energy

you exhaust me
the way you keep running
in and out of my mind
i need you to stay
to say
you will never leave
me
i need to be weak and vulnerable
i need to run
but my feet won't move
and i am stuck in i love you's
3 words used so often
but you got me feeling like bruno mars
and i would catch a grenade
and self destruct
before i ever fell in love with
someone like you
so cold , so bitter
so heartless
yet i am wrapped up in you
needing you to suffocate me
move in closer and closer
till i can feel your heartbeat envelop me
i need you to take all of me greedily
i need you take all of me
till you have had enough
and that walk out the door
and never come back

fade away

No one can hurt me
When I am inside this house
I have built
Laying there surrounded by memories
Usually full of thought
I just lay there empty
Remember her fingertips on me
Love such a dangerous word
Now it kills me
Thinking you fucked somebody last night
And didn't think of me
Three years and I still can't get you out of my head
Three years and I still feel your ghost in my bed
I want you , even though you rejected me
Made me crazy with jealousy
Then proved my intuition right
When she text me and proved you a liar and a cheat
Yet if you called tommorow
I wouldn't pick up
If you called tommorow
I'd build my walls a  little stronger
So you could never get a hold of my fragile heart
Yet I go back to memories
And they kill me
And I don't think I will ever be the same
All I need are these four walls
All I need is this loneliness in my bones
To finally forget you
but when the rain falls
I can still smell your presence in the air
and I know it will be awhile
Till you fade away

fragments

I sat there while I watched the pieces
Of her soul
Explode
Like ash falling after the incineration
Of her life
I watched as she slowly gathered
Each shattered memory
Tears strolling down her face
As she made her way down
Darkened alley alone
Dying inside
As the pieces collapsed
Inside her delicate fingers
She fell to the ground
Right in the middle of the street
Her grief couldn't carry her anymore
I wonder if it ever could
Why did her mother die
Leaving her with scrapbooks of shards of glass
She used to sit there with ritual songbook
Singing hymns into the night
As crimson soaked through her pants legs
She stopped
I smiled at her broken
Crawled inside her chrysalis
Till I was home
Inside her pain
Waiting to be free again
Yet someone clipped my wings
Before I could fly
So I learned to run
Someone shut me up
So I just learned to speak louder
Scream louder
Channel death into that rage
Speak for ghost and people with no souls
Who remind me how to sing the blues
While we all our paving our own way to hell
Sometimes we lose faith
We sit at 3 pm
Standing in the middle of don't look back
It will get better
And motivational speeches and realize
We are all standing on a pile of lies
Unmoved and unshaken
We learn to survive in grief and darkness
We learn to pen pain at 3 am
While penning that final letter
With our other hand
They say don't give up
Some people already have .......

How would you know

She sits there loudly proclaiming her gospel to the birds
She lives in the park and no one understands her
Through drunken slurs
Her hair is wild
I swear there is stories there
Stories of how she got here
People pass and they laugh
She is hurting
Shoes held together with rubberbands
She runs after the birds
Hair flying madly
As she goes
And she could give a fuck about the world
It turned there back on her
Called her that stupid crazy homeless bitch
Yet they dont know her stories
I see them written in her wrinkled skin
She sips out of a paper bag
Write before she crouches in the bushes
Not because she has lost her dignity
She never had anyone
See she carries these secrets between her legs
The places she knew daddy shouldn't have touched
The reason she is unable to speak or hold a job
The reason she would rather speak to birds then
Deal with the laughing
They arrest her
One cop comments on her smell
The other just comments on her free ticket to a warm bed and 3 hot meals
She speaks in a foreign tongue
Screaming and wailing as she heads down town
Wanting to be someone
Wanting to be misunderstood
Wanting to be human
But she is dead inside
As dead as the birds who have aged and never flew away to safety
Lost and drowning
I pray for her escape..

silent batt;es

She sits there , feeling like the world doesn't understand her
Her body and mind are at war
And she is the one that suffers
The depression left her with no appetite
A razor blade in her hand
The Bible she used to sleep with has fallen under the bed
The clock ticks slowly
And as she picks up the razor blade
Her heart thumps against her chest
The rapid movement burns
Leaving her with anxiety
She hyperventilates
Looking for breathing to go back to normal
The voices in her head
Her only companion left says
Just do it already
She is ridden with guilt
As she rips at her skin
Praying and wailing
Hoping to God Jesus will still take her
As she falls to the floor convulsing
Wishing the room would just stop that
Someone anyone could stop this
The blood drips much faster
She has gone for experimenting
To a full addict
One scars turned into 20
20 turned into 50
75 turned into completely out of control
Now she is begging for help but her lips wont move
Her lips are sewed shut
She can't speak
But her scars are silent stories
The unwritten blues song
The silent screams in the night
Knowing she has gone to far
Yet like quicksand she is sinking
And cannot find her way out
The clock ticks
She is running out of time
Her wings have fallen off
And she no longer wishes to fight
Yet something keeps her here
And she doesn't realize it is herself
Carrying her lifeless corpse to the next chapter
And she can't even see the next page
Cause someone cut the lights to her soul

she left me

She left me
Just like that
No goodbye
Just walked out of my life
And I never felt so alone
As when I boarded that plane
And headed home
Although I had your extra baggage
Weighing me down
You left me with a pocketful of regrets
Things i never said
Like
I really wish you where here
So I could yell at you
Before you died
Before I had a chance to forgive you
Or show you me all grown up
With scars on my fragile heart
That you placed
You left me
Without a good bye
No hand held in the icu
No sad parting words
You left me to hold onto these grudges
Trying to move forward
Morning comes and your still dead
And I am left with things I should have said
And the guilt cuts into me
I never stood up to you
When i was dodging your fist
When I had my hair wrapped around your fingers
Could you please just tug a little gentler
Could you stop hurting me
You passed on four years ago
Take your hands away from my throat
And let me just breath
Please
You left me
I am still here
Needing peace
Sick of waking up in cold sweats
Just to find your presence isn't gone yet
You haunt me
Even though you left
And your not gone
You live in every single one of my regrets...........

ayuda me

Save me 

Before I hit the ground 

Before I give you my heart

Stupid me 

Put it together

Save me 

Before I trip and fall

Let you rip the scars on the wall

And tear down these walls 

Save me 

Save me from talking to myself

From sleeping alone 

Hugging the pillow alone 

Cursing it cause it doesn't even smell like you

Save me for crying floods 

And save me from getting attached to the warmth of your body

The sting your lips place on my soul 

As they brush mine 

Save me 

Numb me

Leave me with my walls colliding around me

Be my earthquake , my turmoil

My ten step program

My addiction 

Take the knife and rip my heart out

So I don't have to deal with the anticipation 

Freezer burn from your cold shoulder

Leave me with the ghosts of memories

That haunt me with dripping desires

Till I blink back tears of aloneness

Wishing you where here .....

Silent battles

She sits there , feeling like the world doesn't understand her
Her body and mind are at war
And she is the one that suffers
The depression left her with no appetite
A razor blade in her hand
The Bible she used to sleep with has fallen under the bed
The clock ticks slowly
And as she picks up the razor blade
Her heart thumps against her chest
The rapid movement burns
Leaving her with anxiety
She hyperventilates
Looking for breathing to go back to normal
The voices in her head
Her only companion left says
Just do it already
She is ridden with guilt
As she rips at her skin
Praying and wailing
Hoping to God Jesus will still take her
As she falls to the floor convulsing
Wishing the room would just stop that
Someone anyone could stop this
The blood drips much faster
She has gone for experimenting
To a full addict
One scars turned into 20
20 turned into 50
75 turned into completely out of control
Now she is begging for help but her lips wont move
Her lips are sewed shut
She can't speak
But her scars are silent stories
The unwritten blues song
The silent screams in the night
Knowing she has gone to far
Yet like quicksand she is sinking
And cannot find her way out
The clock ticks
She is running out of time
Her wings have fallen off
And she know longer wishes to fight
Yet something keeps her hear
And she doesnt realize it is herself
Carrying her lifeless corpse to the next chapter
She can't even see the next page
Cause someone cut the lights to her soul

smile

I tried to reach you

Tried to feel you 

But my fingertips 

Just brushed the air

I tried to reach for you

Yet you where not there

And i didn't leave a message

Cause beds don't have answering machines

Saying get back to me

I need you to vacate the other part

Yet not enough to admit 

I need you

I need your aroma to flood my senses

Till I am breathing in you

I need you

Your arms 

Your arms 

Are missed 

Miles apart

Yet you hold my body hostage

Memories flash through my head

Yet I cannot reenact these scenes alone

I wake up 

Anticipating your arms yet 

They are not there

I am left alone

Knowing you are there

On the other side

Of wanting too

Wanting me 

My heart falls to the ground 

You pick it up

Put it back in its place

It's not time to give you that to you yet

You lift my head up

Place kisses on my forehead

You look into my eyes as if your lost in a trance

You remind me to smile

You remind me that some one likes these broken parts

I no longer wish 

Cause I know one day i will be right where I am supposed to be

Till then I will bask in the rays of your sunshine

Letting it warm me as I walk away

Surviving another rainstorm ............